Q said…

Do dogs bark in other languages?

Sir Askalot said...

if vampires have no reflection, how come they always look so neat?

Meatloaf said...

HUGH EVANS PI I think you are doing a wonderful job demystifying all of lifes most valid problems... and on a friends advice I now ask you- 'what is the price of fame?'

Tallulah Pixie Bell said...

The other night when watching 'Footloose' (kevin Bacons electrifying performance & deserving rise 2 stardom film... amazing!)I was suddenly caught up in the 80s nostalgia & whilst dancing to all the wonderful soundtrack there was 1 particular songs lyrics that got me thinking; that being 'Bonnie Tylers'- 'Holding out for a Hero'... If you don't recall it, it goes...

"Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need

[Chorus]

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my
feet

[Chorus]

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind end the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood"


...so bringing it back to my question:- PLEASE
Huge PI- I mean HUGH PI can you tell me- Where
Have all the good men gone? & what should I do to
keep him, that is if I'm lucky enough to find him.

NEWSFLASH - Hugh Evans PI is changing its ways...

For some time now I have been experimenting with trying to construct the perfect Private Investigation Blog Site. My investigation into this matter is nearly complete and I can now reveal the way it is going to work from now on:

I ask that from now on you use the link at the top of this blog to take you to a form where you can pose your brainteasers, sleep-interrupters, and life-testing questions to me. I will accept queries from anyone so if you don't want to reveal your identity then make up a name.

When my investigation is complete, your question will appear in a new post. You will be able to find my response by clicking on the comments link at the bottom of the post. At this stage I will allow my public to add any comments they would like to that will add value to the investigation (be warned - if your comments are inappropriate they will be removed!).

This should mean that my site will be much easier to navigate - all answers being succinctly linked to its related question.

All the best. I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Hugh Evans PI

onehugeeye said...

Dear Hugh...

What flavour is the filling of Cadbury's eggs?

OneHugeEye,

Thank you for re-visiting me with yet another complex and tasking question.

This particular investigation could be compared to some of the great cases of the 20th Century including, "What is the definition of the word Nice?" by the late great Francis George Randle back in the 1980s, or "What does red look like?" by an annoying French kid I once knew.

I knew from the start that this investigation would be taxing so I took to it right away by visiting my local Tesco Metro and purchasing a pack of 12 Cadbury's Creme Eggs. One by one I investigated them closely, scribbling down my thoughts after each one. Here are my results:

Egg 1: Cremey
Egg 2: Chocolatey
Egg 3: Tasty
Egg 4: Sticky
Egg 5: Sugary
Egg 6: Sickly
(TOILET BREAK)
Egg 7: Refreshing (after the break)
Egg 8: Over-bearing
(15 minute running around the room break)
Egg 9: Depression-inducing
(30 minute 'coming down' period)
Egg 10: Revolting
Egg 11: Lacking the will to live
(50 minute break to talk it over with the Samaritans)
Egg 12: Relieved
(I slept here for 12 hours)


It was a gruelling task, and sadly without a satisfying conclusion.

I looked into Cadbury's Creme Eggs a little more...

• Did you know that there are 175 calories in a single creme egg? That means I consumed 2100 calories in one sitting.
• This is genuinely on the Cadbury-Schweppes website:
• FAQs

  Why has the size of the egg changed?

  It hasn't - you've just grown up!

• Brilliant. Clearly this isn't the place to get straight answers.

I tried a new tact at this stage. I always thought it strange that Creme was not spelled Cream, as it seemed to have a creamy centre...

CREME is an acronym for:
Commission Régionale d'Évaluation Médicale des Établissements

My A-level French allows me to translate this as the 'Regional Commission for the Medical Evaluation of Eggs' (or something like that)

Cracking! They seemed to be the perfect people to ask what the filling of a Cadbury's Creme Egg actually tasted of.

Their answer was simple:

Sugar. Sugar Sugar Sugar and more Sugar.

A disappointing but conclusive response.

My 12 egg experiment leads me to concur also.

Off to have my stomach pumped....

Hugh Evans PI

Hemaworstje said...

a tiny one then , take your time
, why is there no wire-less electricity , I detest cables, plugs etc.

Dear Hemaworstje,

A pleasure yet again that I find myself responding to another new visitor to my infant blog. I hope I can provide you with an above adequate answer to your testing trouble.

Your enquiry is a just one. It is up there with all the other great wonders of the world. Indeed, right next to The Hanging Gardens of Babylon you might see the question 'why is there no wireless electricity?' In fact, does anyone remember seeing irritating electric wires protruding from sockets in the wall of the Great Pyramid of Giza? I think not.

This sparks me to discover why this necessary technology has not yet been developed in an age where electricity is paramount and tethers are indescribably short..

Well, it is perhaps not surprising that we are not the first people to come up with such a question...

In this interesting evaluation of the options of Wireless Electricity, 'Tom' (clearly one of the wandering wise men of the Internet) kindly explains the current options:

Tom begins by saying how we COULD have a source of electricity, turn it into light, and shine this light everywhere t solar panels etc. but this would be immensely inefficient (losing around 80% of the original energy) and keeping everyone up at night with the incessent use of light. I can see this is not ideal.

Tom also says that we COULD bounce microwaves off the ionosphere into our appliances - but that would mean us all turning into microwaved human kievs for the thunderrodents to slurp up once we're gone.

Or, Tom's final solution is to make energy and carry it places - not exactly what Hemaworstje and I had in mind I feel.

Well, thanks a lot Tom for your suggestions - very wise, but doesn't quite give us our solution. It looks like the chances of wireless electricity appearing any time soon are slim. Or are they? Here is what I conclude to be our only two options following an agonising and informative investigation:

Option 1) We wire up the thunderrodents to the national grid. We then train our domestic animals, cats, dogs etc. to lick the thunderrodents at all available oppotunities. "Aha!", you might say, "well how is this possible if the domestic pets have already been entranced". Not an issue. A fully charged electric thunderrodent is in no position to hypnotise pets. So this will leave our cats and dogs free to act as carriers of electricity, transfering the charge from thunderrodent to kitchen appliances, computers, and even mobile phones at our will. (I suggest only using this on obedient pets or things could get messy.)

Option 2) We embrace the life of the human kiev, make friends with the over-sized oven chips and baked beans, and live in a microwaved haven where electricity is open and garlic sauce is still far too hot to put in your mouth without burning your tongue.

I trust this conclusion is to your satisfaction.

Until the next time,

Hugh Evans PI

Fellow blog-hounds,

After a few days solid days of intense investigations I am back with some results.

Let us begin with Boris, who contacted me recently with an unusual but potent complaint.

I always like to show my gratitude to the introduction of new clients. Thank you Boris for coming to me in what appears to be an ever-expanding market (N.B. Thank you Jane for drawing my attention to the text investigation racket - not something I feel collides heavily with my unique style of detective work but encouraging to know you care.)

Now, to the issue at hand:


"Mr Hugh - I want / give me / where is the funk? I have looked hard but can find no funk. I want the funk, but I just dont have it - does this make me middle class?

Yours in anticipation.

Boris"


This proved to be one of my tougher investigations to date. Largely because defining funk within any given social circle is not a simple task. The 'funk' as a concept is abstract and difficult to put into any tangible form of evidence, and without more information on your family's roots and your way of life, defining you is nigh on impossible.

But Hugh Evans PI, as regulars to my blog will know, is no stranger to the near-impossible. So here goes:

What is funk? - I looked into it (courtesy of www.uol.com.br/uptodate/glossae.htm):

English word which originally stands for “psycho depression”, “body odor” or quality of something extremely informal. It has designated since 1967 a well paced kind of Afro American music, characterized by "fatback", a bass and/or drum note right before the strong tempo (second tempo) giving funk its characteristic balance.

With this in mind, let us re-visit your query:

"I want / give me / where is the funk? "

I think the best way for you to find your funk is to begin with identifying any areas of body odour you may have.. Places to look include bottoms of feet, under the armpits, perhaps on your chest, behind your left ear (the right ear is much more resistent to BO but worth a look).

Next, look into any examples of psycho depression. Have you been running around trying to poke things with scissors? This could be the beginning of a new funk in you.

Having found the funk origins about your person, you will be ready to start funking in the musical sense of the word. Follow some of the advice I gave to brother Dave who lost his blues, but in your case begin to re-funk. I personally re-funk to such musical genii as James Brown, or Stevie Wonder, but you will have your own favourites. Another recent discovery for me was Parliament - look out in particular for Dr Funkenstein. An inspiration. Truly. Finally, a little cliche but a good one in my experience is Play That Funky Music White Boy (Wild Cherry). Always gets my beat grooving.

So, to your class whilst maintaining the premise of funk. You were not clear as to whether being Middle Class was or was not an aspiration of yours. Depending on your class of choosing, here is some re-funk material that will aid you:

Working Class:

Tap Dogs
"They're burly, work-boot wearing, scaffolding climbing, tap-dancing men."

In an article by Michelle Theriault of The Bellingham Herald, the Tap Dogs were described as "'bringing' the working-class funk":
"Seeing six working class guys tap dancing out there, that's pretty fun for people."

Middle Class:

Dreamgirls
"Their re-creations of the Supremes' coolly sensuous pop rhythm-and-blues are so uncannily accurate that some listeners have mistaken all the ''Dreamgirls'' music for recycled Supremes"

The New York Times said:
"They've developed a polite, middle-class funk that isn't terribly different from white pop, and Dreamgirls recreates some of this music, too."

Upper Class:

Not many people, it would seem, associate funk with the upper classes. I would delve into some classic soul artists and pronounce them upper-class - perhaps blast some loud James Brown at your next afternoon-tea party or cheese and wine gathering. The reaction could be funk-invoking.


My dear Boris, after such a thorough investigation my pits are a little funky themselves from perspiration so I must depart. I trust you will find what you are looking for in whatever form it may need appear.

Warmest regards,

Hugh Evans PI

My petals,

During a recent investigation (also for fun) I came across the following web page:

http://onehugeeye.com/

It would seem that an admiring citizen has immortalised me by transforming my investigatorial persona into a character in some form of peculiar online comic strip. There are many differences but the name Hugh is still original as is the fact that I am incredibly and impressively wise.

It is a nice site all round, worth a look.

Nice to know I have fans with such talent.

Farewell.

Hugh Evans (PI)

My beloved problemees,

I am pleased to see that there has been a lull of business over the past couple of days. Both for me and for some of my evil competitors. This must mean only one thing - that my advice has been paying dividends.

So in the absence of individual problems, I have been doing some investigations purely for fun. I thought i would share one with you:

Since we last spoke it was pointed out to me that on Tuesday of this week, the world celebrated PI day!

Fear not, you have not missed anything, for this was not a day of Hugh Evans congratulatory speeches.

In fact it is in celebration of the long-standing and well-known mathematical anomaly, Pi

I did a little research into Pi:

Dictionary.com defines Pi as "A transcendental number, approximately 3.14159, represented by the symbol, that expresses the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle and appears as a constant in many mathematical expressions."

Millions of digits have been calculated, with the record held (as of September 1999) by a supercomputer at the University of Tokyo that calculated 206,158,430,000 digits.

Here are the first 1000:

3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132 0005681271 4526356082 7785771342 7577896091 7363717872 1468440901 2249534301 4654958537 1050792279 6892589235 4201995611 2129021960 8640344181 5981362977 4771309960 5187072113 4999999837 2978049951 0597317328 1609631859 5024459455 3469083026 4252230825 3344685035 2619311881 7101000313 7838752886 5875332083 8142061717 7669147303 5982534904 2875546873 1159562863 8823537875 9375195778 1857780532 1712268066 1300192787 6611195909 2164201989

In American numerals the 14th March can be read as 3.14. The first three digits of Pi.
Hence Pi day.

There is also Approximate PI day (no - not The Oracle's birthday) which is the 22nd July: 22/7 = 3.142857.... So stock up on the fireworks and party hats for that momentous occasion!!

I think I am going around in circles here so I will wrap up.

Hopefully everything is now clear but if it isn't and I have caused people some confusion or un-related issues that may not be self-solveable. That is why I am here. I look forward to your enquiries.

Until the next time we cross paths.

Hugh Evans (PI)

Hello my friends and loyal subjects...

Further to my recent post regarding a rival of mine, I am having some concerns about the integrity of the one who goes by the names of The Oracle (or sometimes 'The Oricle'), and Corfushus.

I stick fast to my morals when it comes to freedom of speech, and indeed will welcome his comments on my site and have by way of proof provided a free link to his inane rambling webpage, Bandidog.

With this, however, I wish to add a disclaimer:

Beware! Those of you who have visited his site will know that he has been desecrating the good name of Hugh Evans PI with falsified images of his trademarked vehicle of detection, offensive slurs on my much revered facial hair, and by commenting on this blog with evil and unnecessary plots, littered with crude and coarse prose.

On a more personal note - and I direct this at The Oracle - may I suggest that you concentrate more on fulfilling the problems of your clients than on sabotaging the work of others. Your apparent willingness to help me to overthrow my rival name-sakes is endearing but I fear it is clouded with something much more sinister. That much has become clear to me and I won't stand for it any more.

All the best to you and your kin.

Hugh Evans PI

Dear The Oracle,

It always brings a warming sensation to my heart and a smile to the face that sits poised beneath my coveted detecting head-garment when two foes , even for a glancing moment, become allied.

Your recent proposal to tackle my newly found adversary, Hugh Harris-Evans, clearly comes with some passion and forethought. I do, however, feel that the suggestion of TV-related violence is not likely to be our most potent form of sabotage.

The sheep's scapula incineration is an interesting if inappropriate ritual. I await with some anticipation the results of that particular experiment to see if it will provide some useful insights into this difficult problem's solution.

Oracle, on a more general note, having studied some of your recent responses to your clients conunudrums I can see that your approach is in some contrast to that of mine. Should you require any assistance with enquiries you cannot deal with, be sure to let me know. I will take on any client, even if it need be one of your rejects.

Faithfully,

Hugh Evans (PI)

It has come to my attention that I have a rival - a wannabe investigatorial entrepreneur as it were. To show you loyal fans I am confident in the unique quality of my own powers of deduction and that I am not in the habit of being scaremongered, here is the link: http://www.bandidog.co.uk/

The self-called 'Oricle' claims to have the answer to everything. I will you to try him as I have faith that you will return after your trial to me for your healthy regular dose of intriguing problem-solving narrative.

I wish my esteemed competitor all the best in his chosen path. See you soon.

Hugh Evans (PI) - and no I am not a maths teacher - unless you need me to be...

Please tell me what your problem is and I'll see what I can do...