Dear The Oracle,
It always brings a warming sensation to my heart and a smile to the face that sits poised beneath my coveted detecting head-garment when two foes , even for a glancing moment, become allied.
Your recent proposal to tackle my newly found adversary, Hugh Harris-Evans, clearly comes with some passion and forethought. I do, however, feel that the suggestion of TV-related violence is not likely to be our most potent form of sabotage.
The sheep's scapula incineration is an interesting if inappropriate ritual. I await with some anticipation the results of that particular experiment to see if it will provide some useful insights into this difficult problem's solution.
Oracle, on a more general note, having studied some of your recent responses to your clients conunudrums I can see that your approach is in some contrast to that of mine. Should you require any assistance with enquiries you cannot deal with, be sure to let me know. I will take on any client, even if it need be one of your rejects.
Faithfully,
Hugh Evans (PI)
It always brings a warming sensation to my heart and a smile to the face that sits poised beneath my coveted detecting head-garment when two foes , even for a glancing moment, become allied.
Your recent proposal to tackle my newly found adversary, Hugh Harris-Evans, clearly comes with some passion and forethought. I do, however, feel that the suggestion of TV-related violence is not likely to be our most potent form of sabotage.
The sheep's scapula incineration is an interesting if inappropriate ritual. I await with some anticipation the results of that particular experiment to see if it will provide some useful insights into this difficult problem's solution.
Oracle, on a more general note, having studied some of your recent responses to your clients conunudrums I can see that your approach is in some contrast to that of mine. Should you require any assistance with enquiries you cannot deal with, be sure to let me know. I will take on any client, even if it need be one of your rejects.
Faithfully,
Hugh Evans (PI)
posted by hughevans at 5:01 AM
2 Comments:
Jane,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention, and I would like to note that it is always a pleasure to welcome new clients to the site. Beware advice you may receive from imposters that shall remain nameless. Their experience in the art of private investigation is minimal, as indeed is the expediency of his advice.
With that said, let us look into your problem: the grave menagerie of semi-present mini-mammals.. in your kitchen.
I would be lying if I said that this was the first time I had encountered a story with such a chilling motif to it... I recall small children writing to me after waking up to find peacocks hanging lifelessly from hooks on their bedroom ceilings.... grown men weeping in my arms because overnight their 4 year old beard growth had been stripped from their cheeks - plucked clean from their faces with the sort of ease you might expect from a champion hedge trimmer with his spanking new 'McCulloch Gladiator 550'.
My point is that you are not alone in these problems. Indeed when seemingly inexplicable occurences such as these hit our lives, it pleads the question, 'Are We Alone Out Here?'. And we are not.
If you'll excuse my illiteration; the creepy crawly characters that create confusing circumstances circumnavigate my criminal cases
concurrently - it leads to serious contemplation on my part. Your problem is unique but vey similar to others I have seen.
My investigations of this type have always led me to the same morbid and harrowing conclusion.
It was the cat who did it.
Please come again. You are always welcome - and remember - stay away from the dark side.
Hugh Evans PI.
Jane,
Much obliged that you should continue to contact me in your time of disarray.
On further inspection of all the evidence I do have a second theory.
The journey I am about to take you on will take all of your faith, and ability to defy the laws of probability, but stick with me on this one. The clarifying resolution will make it all worthwhile...
Let us start at the beginning. The big bang; the great kaboom; the enormous pop. Matter was scattered, things were dinged, stones were honed, Earth was turfed...
Evolution.
Mammals.
Apes.
Humans.
Cats.
Thundercats.
And where there are Thundercats, there must be Thunderrodents. They manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Dead, Alive, half-dead, the after-dead. The ever-living. The ever-dead.
Thunderrodents will pick the most inappropriate place in the world to appear. If they find a victim who is unsuspecting enough they will haunt them relentlessly. They fear domesticated animals so they emit tiny electronic signals that render all predators (such as your cat) polaxed whilst they sow their terror.
The only proven way to rid yourself of these evil beings is to ignore them. My guess is that at present you are sweeping them away, throwing them out into a nearby field, perhaps even converting them from the undead to a nice rabbit stew...
My advice is this: Leave the Thunderrodents alone. You see it, you pass it by. Another appears, you disregard it with the same nonchalance as the first one. Eventually you will be over-run with ThunderRodents (you may wish to invest in a second kitchen whilst this taxing exorcism takes place). But then, without warning, they will disappear. Forever.
Remember, things must get worse before they get better and this case is no exception.
I wish you all the best in your pending fearsome plight.
Hugh Evans PI.
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