Please tell me what your problem is and I'll see what I can do...
posted by hughevans at 3:16 AM
Welcome to Hugh Evans Investigates. The light-hearted blog site where no longer are there unsolveable problems. No matter what size, PI Evans will be your worry doll, solving issues whilst you get a good night sleep. So go ahead, post your problems and let the investigation commence...
8 Comments:
Hello Mr Evans I was wondering if you could help me. I seem to have lost my Blues.
I used to be so blue, but now I'm happy and glad. I really don't know what to do, I even asked my old Dad. He told me not to worry, he told me not to fret, but I keep on wanting my Blues back, to feel so strongly like the day we first Met.
help me Mr Hugh, help me get my blues back,
help me feel like that.
An intriguing problem Dave...
I think I can cover this one. Often when the days get longer, the light brightens, and the birds sing more there is a tendancy to forget that the world is in fact a cruel and complicated place.
The novice amongst us might assume that this is a good thing. But for the true bluesman, there is no harsher reality.
I propose a few things to help you to remedy your predicament:
a) Buy an expensive pair of sunglasses - Ideally the original Genuine '5022' Ray-ban sunglasses as used by the Blues Brothers themselves.
b) Put on an old blues record when you get home tonight. Perhaps something obscure but brilliant. I like to re-blues to 'Let the good times roll' - the Louis Jordan version. You can feel smug that this tune is in the original Blues Brothers Film but not in the soundtrack album or easily recognised by other less enthusiastic BB fans.
c) Get in touch with your blues by experiencing some excellent live blues music. I personally recommend a visit to the incredible Ain't Nothin But Blues Bar in central London. Live blues every night of the week. Only place in Britain that does it. www.aintnothinbut.co.uk/
Good luck dude and fix the cigarette lighter!
Tall Ted,
Thank you for your endearing query.
In order for us to evaluate this situation I propose we break it down into its basic components.
Your things:
a) Are different
b) Are not all very important
c) Are lost
I'd like to draw a comparison here if I may to another group that matches these criteria:
Sea creatures.
There are many sea creatures who find themselves lost in a watery universe. Some have permanent homes, others steal their homes (hermits), others will just float through their oceans enjoying a world of adventure and excitement. Some are found by humans or are killed entirely from
existence through external forces.
These sea creatures all will have different purposes. Some are important e.g. cod, others are not e.g. water snails.
Having drawn this comparison it is of compelling interest to note that the sea creatures will hold no particular personal emotion to you in comparison to the countless number of things you have lost over the years.
But spare a moment, if you will, to consider that next time you poach a fish or throw a ball to a sea lion -
life just wouldn't be the same if they had not become lost, had a hierarchy of importance, or had been very very different.
All the best in your continuing world of adventure and excitement.
Frances,
Thank you for providing me with another interesting investigatorial problem.
I hear this problem a lot. My own personal solution is to not buy sunglasses but to borrow other people's. If you are someone who has respect for other people's property you will automatically take extra care over the items.
The reason you have so many umbrellas is likely to be due to you and the people around you coming into contact with a lot of rain. Perhaps you live in a rainy climate? Or perhaps you travel a lot and cannot always predict the weather.
I personally also never buy umbrellas. I do own one but never take it out in the rain. I would sooner get wet and then dry off than be lumbered with too many of these over-used weather shields cluttering up my already chaotic room.
The umbrella was given to me. It barely works and I will probably give it away to the first person I meet who is gullable enough to take it from you (by the sounds of it - someone like you, Frances).
My advice on the umbrella front would be to give them away to friends at any rainy opportunity. Your friends will thank you for your generosity and the problem will no longer be yours. When you have none again you can become an umbrella whore like me and simply 'borrow' them when required - as all your friends will be very keen to return the favour.
On the sunglasses front, if you are not comfortable borrowing them then there are three schools of thought:
School of thought A) Buy an expensive pair and the thought of losing something valuable will help you to take more care.
School of thought B) Buy only cheap sunglasses. That way the disappointment of losing them will be minimal.
School of thought C) Buy one of those stringy things to attach to your glasses to keep them hanging round your neck. Not particularly aesthetically pleasing, nor the world of excitement I described to Tall Ted. But practical. This wouldn't be my choice.
Hopefully this will have provided you with some insight into your problem and will fuel your inspiration for finding a solution that will suit you.
Warmest regards,
Hugh Evans
Lexus,
First let me thank you for entering a concern that has hit us all at one time or other in our lives.
Indeed many of my clients come to me this conundrum. It really is quite a pickle you find yourself in, and that is not to say that I suggest cheese as an appropriate solution.
No, in fact cheese is something I would recommend to the more rodent of my problemees. For someone with such a fear of consuming fast food there really is no other solution than healthy food. Or is there?...
The trick to fooling the high horse riders such as our dear friend Mr Oliver is to blind them with science. Eat things you like that are on the surface very bad for you, but which can enter the debate on the side of 'This food is good for you'.
Let us take Fish and Chips for example. On the surface, one of the worst for you foods available. But when drilled down, there are healthier versions of the dish available. Work with me here...
Did you know that on average an Atlantic Salmon has 2.4g of Omega-3 fatty acids in them? Now Omega-3s are anticoagulant (in other words they help prevent heart attacks and strokes). Bet you didn't know that, Jamie!
Cut out the batter (or perhaps use breadcrumbs). Poach the fish instead of frying it. Perhaps have boiled spuds instead of the preferred fried option, or if you are willing to risk the wrath a little, go for some low fat oven chips.
My rather laboured point is that you don't have to give up what you love to stay healthy. Small changes to your lifestyle soon add up to a lot (please excuse the cliche).
Have what you like for dinner. Enjoy it - it is an important meal. But just don't go overboard with the unnecessary slime that will lead to you becoming more unhealthy. Leave that to the beer.
Good luck in your plight.
Hugh Evans (PI)
Dear Chris,
Always a pleasure to have visitors from down below, underneath, Southern Hemisfar far away...
As my clients will know by now, there are no prejudices when it comes to the art of Hugh Evans investigations. Your query, although something that may cause discomfort amongst the English sports fans will of course be dealt with in my usual unbiased and professional manner.
With this important precursor over-with please join me in exploring the results of my investigation...
Imagine, if you will, you have been confronted by a large, bald, red-faced English rugby fan shortly after the English have stuffed you in your own back yard.
He uses something quick and cutting such as "ha ha go back where you came from you flaming gala convict, ha ha".
As a rule I would suggest making witty retorts only to people who are less smart than you. This, however, may not always be possible.
With this unnerving scenario in mind I felt it was important to get a feel for what Australian humour constitutes. So I did a little digging.
The astute convictcreations.com defines Australian humour as:
"often upside down. The joke almost seems to be that the label is the opposite to what it should be. For instance, Australians take delight in dubbing a tall man "Shorty", a silent one "Rowdy" a bald man "Curly", and a redhead is "Blue". A bastard may mean a good bloke."
Now I believe it is important that when structuring your witty retort you do not leave the zone that you are comfortable in. You should stick to a form of humour that is native to you and your homeland. Let us use the above description of Australian humour as the basis of this analysis.
Using this well documented 'upside down' rule, being an innate talent, should show you up to be
a) patriotic
AND
b) intelligent - as your English compadre will not be familiar with your unique and unusal brand of humour.
We return to your predicament: "ha ha go back where you came from you flaming gala convict, ha ha".
Using your fast and intelligent reactions you can retort (for example):
"You strike me as a good bloke, Shorty. I admire the way you quietly sit there with your fine head of curls and congratulate me on a fine display of football".
You are likely to find that the yob will be stunned. Over-awed by your razor-sharp response, and the victory will be yours.
Many thanks again for getting in touch and good luck in trying to win the Ashes back.
Hugh Evans (PI)
Oog,
While I have very much enjoyed the fruits of your unparalleled investigatory labours, I have somehow lost the will to scroll all the way down the comments page. Perhaps you could help me and those like me by finding some other genius way of sharing your wisdom with the world. The planet would surely then be yours for the taking.
Love you,
Benjamin Bunny
a tiny one then , take your time
, why is there no wire-less electricity , I detest cables, plugs etc.
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